Halloween!

Well we have made it to our first holiday not being together. Although it is not really a holiday we celebrate, it is still the first holiday! Last year it was fun for us to hand out candy together, even though we only got 5 or 6 trick or treaters, and to dress our girls up as a frog and a pumpkin. And two years ago, was the night before our wedding and our whole wedding party went out to dinner and to a haunted house, we all had a blast together! Something about spending a holiday alone (no matter what holiday) seems depressing and lonely no matter who you have around you. I know that no one can replace my husband, but since I have such wonderful friends we are all getting together to take our girls out trick or treating! I am so excited to dress my sweet peas up as a cow and a ladybug. With the help of all my friends, it has made time go by quickly, the days seem long, but once they are over it seems like it has flown by. I know this is a short one, but I don't have much on the topic of halloween!

Complaints Anyone!

So yesterday as I was just sitting on the couch, no TV, just sitting and thinking, I was thinking about life in general and about how much I complain. I can complain about anything, literally! I was wondering why do I complain or any of us for that matter, what is so bad in our lives that we have to complain? God has given me breath to breathe everyday, has given me the strength I didn't know I had to make it this far and to take care of my sweet girls! I find myself getting really angry when I have just mopped or vacuumed and the girls throw their food on the floor it makes me so mad, but they most certainly don't know I just cleaned the floors so they can lay on them and lick them (disgusting)! I was thinking about how much I have complained about my husband being gone when in reality what does it help to complain? It won't bring him back any faster or make him any safer for me to worry and complain that I am a lonely wife. I know that I can't help the worry, I have tried to make peace with the situation and ask the Lord for peace in my heart and mind, but the worry will always be in the back of my mind...but for the complaining I can help that and nobody likes to hear someone who complains all the time! So from today I will try my hardest not to find something stupid and insignificant to complain about and make such a big deal about it. I think most people can relate to this and can probably say they have been there or are there and when you think about it maybe you too will feel the same way!

Exhausted

Today I feel as though I have been hit by a train and it stopped and back over me and then kept going and ran over me again...pure exhaustion! My mind, body, everything about me has no energy left. There is no much to do in this house, but my body can't function to do it and my mind is not functioning to put what it thinks into words. I have done something with my sweet friends just about everyday this week, and it still feels like life is moving in slow motion, why can't it go by faster? I was thinking about it the other night if I write a blog everyday (which I don't know if I actually will, but say I do) then I will have written 211 blogs...that's a ton! Seeming that I'm only on what day 9 or 10 if even that, gosh it's not even close to a dent in it. Today is me vs. the commissary, oh how I hate the commissary especially when it's so close to payday, but my children do need to eat so I guess I have to go...there is nothing like old people or just annoying people standing in the middle of the aisle with their carts deciding what kind of beans they want or looking at every package of eggs before they take the first one they opened, or should they go with the value pack of toilet paper or just a 6 pack. I hate the commissary, but it's the closest, cheapest, and the only one that has a double seater cart. And as much as I do dislike the commissary this will be the 3rd time I have gone since my husband left 2 weeks ago tomorrow... I go and have a list and as I pass something I think ah I'll come back to it, and then I forget it (probably like most people do), but then I went the 2nd time with only 4 or 5 things on it that I had forgotten the first time and still forgot stuff...uhhh I could scream it's so annoying! I still have the deployment wife brain (one that can't function or remember anything), maybe in a couple weeks or months it will straighten out, but if you ask me to do something or I tell you something, you better be ready to remind me 400 times over again until it happens...cuz I can't remember a darn thing!

My Girls are monsters!

In the midst of a great afternoon yesterday, I knew that the girls had to get down for a nap by 2 so they would be in good shape to go to the pumpkin patch with some friends! When 2:30 rolled around I decided to go up there and lay them back down and give them their paci's...when that didn't work, I went back up 30 minutes later to try again! It still didn't work, so I just said forget about it, they can play in their beds and maybe they will fall asleep. They never did, so I went up at 3:45 knowing that they needed their snack and to get dressed before we were needing to leave by 4:30. When I got close to their room I started to smell this horrible stinch and when I went in the smell got worse, I couldn't figure out what it was, until....I looked at Ava and immediately knew what the stink was, she had poop all over her face, her hands, her head, her bed, the walls, EVERYWHERE! She had taken her diaper off and decided to play in her own fecal matter! I was kind of angry, but I know she doesn't know what she is doing...she had to have a bath and all the bedding and toys and blankets had to be washed. We did manage to get a snack, get dressed, and out the door by 4:30 to head to the pumpkin patch! Like I said before as much as I would like to be able to control my children and their schedule they do their own thing on their own time, and when we need a schedule the most is when it usually doesn't work out!

addiction!

So recently I have found that I am addicted to something, I have been addicted for a while, Will would always ask are you doing that again... but now this addiction has spun out of control, I find myself doing it ALL the time, no matter what I'm doing I'm doing this! My addiction is playing solitaire on my phone, a lame addiction, but that's mine! Sometimes when I'm playing and there are two of the same card and I have to choose between which one to move, do I take the one on the smaller pile to make some room for a King down there or do I take the one off the big pile to make it smaller? I have found that this game is alot like my life, do I figure out the small problems first to make them go away, or do I try to pick away at my large problems to make it more even instead of letting them all build up in one big mass? As I thought about how I solve problems I figured out that I don't really solve them, I tend to push them off to the side and ignore them, sometimes I feel as if they don't really matter when in reality they do matter. If my life was really like solitaire I would be able to hit the undo button whenever and as many times as I would like, but since life is not a game, I can't! I have always stood by the motto of not regretting anything, it has made me who I am today...but really don't we all have a little regret lying around? As I think of some of the things I could regret, there is actually alot of times where I would like to hit that undo button a few times and try again. I know that if I had done anything differently in my life that I might not be where I am today, with the husband, and two wonderful girls that I have...so I try not to dwell on the past, but on the future that I have with my family and make decisions right the first time so I don't have to try to push that undo button later on.

What's now?

Some days I have no problem thinking of things to say, really saying what's on my heart and mind, but days like today I don't know if I have much to say! I was going to share my testimony with those of you who read this, but I think that it might be a bit too honest and most people aren't ready for what my past has to say!
Last night I was writing my husband wishing so bad that I could talk to him, and I wrote him that. I went up to bed to watch some TV and the phone rang, uhh I was so excited it was him. I got to tell him all about our past couple days and the fun things the girls were doing, and about the video I had sent him hoping he was going to be able to watch it! I could still hear a sadness in the back of his voice, as I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, absolutely nothing...I won't push it, I let it go knowing that there is still a longing for him to be home, and my longing to have him home! As he told me he had been moving around quite a bit for some more classes, but still can't answer the question of when he will be going where he is going, he told me in high hopes "I think where we are going might be better than what they told us, we might actually have a phone." How can he be all the way over there away from us and still have such a positive hopeful attitude? I am constantly learning new things about my husband, he amazes me everyday! He encourages me when I am down, and he is strong when I am not...he is the one that is gone, why can't I be more like him? Why can't I be strong and encouraging even through this hard time? Am I that selfish to where I can't even get out of this funk, but my husband is serving our country in a foreign place can be positive, encouraging, and strong...is this normal for a wife to feel this way? Who knows, but it's how I feel!!

Another gloomy day!

When I woke up this morning to the sound of my sweet girls voice, I looked outside in hopes of another sunny fall day, but no it's dark gloomy and rainy. Not what I need to make my days go by faster or make them seem a bit happier. I have always seen myself as an honest, caring person, and my take on this blog would be full honesty...I can't be honest with other people till I stop lying to myself. I say that I'm doing ok, and although I might be, and people probably see that I am doing ok from the outside, my heart aches, I long to see my husband and feel his touch again, and my life has spun so quickly out of control, I don't know what to do. Control is something we would all like to have, whether it's controlling the way our day to day life is, controlling other people around us, or controlling how our children act...when in face we can't control a darn thing, not even our children, we might be able to discipline in hopes that they will act right, but they will do their own thing. I feel at this point that I can't even control myself, which I know might sound weird, we can all control ourselves, but I can't control the thoughts that have been racing through my mind, the emotions, the tears, I certainly can't control if my face breaks out from the stress (which I wish I could control the most). I have found one thing in my life and about me that I can control, it is me vs. the scale, I can kind of understand the thoughts of someone with an eating disorder, it's actually really easy to not eat and be ok with it. I have been a person to always love the taste of food, but when my husband is gone I don't want anything, and it gets easier as the days go by to just not be hungry. I have promised myself when he gets home I will have lost 11 pounds, a goal weight of... I can't say, people will judge and although I don't care what people think, I don't want to hear the wraths! How I feel is that when my life spins out of control I need one thing I can keep under control and to know that I am completely in charge of that and it can't do anything without me saying so. I know that life is not about controlling it, it's about giving it all to the Lord and letting Him deal with it, but when someones life turns upside down, and the desperation, anxiety, stress, loneliness, and all these things combine it's hard to fully put every little bit of yourself that you have left and just give it to the Lord. I know that this is a good thing...getting everything I have to say out there and being able to be free of some of the weight that is so heavy on my body, but I also know that there are those people out there who will judge me for not being the perfect wife, mother and the perfect Christian, although everyone knows there is no one that is perfect, some people most certainly thing that the Christian part of their life is perfect, but always has room to grow! It doesn't hurt me for people to tell me to trust in Christ that He is the one that I should be longing for, but those people probably haven't had their true love gone out of your life within a matter of seconds. I grew up in a Christian family, church going, good family, but that doesn't mean that I still don't screw up or get off track or start to fall of the wagon at times. Actually I fall off the wagon quite a bit then I get run over about a 1,000 times before I can see what happened...that is where I am at in my life right now, I have fallen off the wagon, doubt, fear, depression has all come over me in a way that I have never experienced before. One of the last things my husband said to me before he left was, "If I were to die, I want you to remarry. Make sure it's someone who will take good care of the girls and love them as if they were his own." Umm...talk about putting something in my head I can't handle...I didn't want to think of death being a possibility, but I knew it was. I have a hard time managing all the thoughts in my head, and that has been one that won't go to the back so I can forget it, I don't want to think of death being an option, but the fear is so strong that I can't think of anything but that. Is there something wrong with me? Is the what if's game normal? Or would I rather's game normal? What is normal to me and you are probably two different things, but my life right now is nowhere near normal, but I know one day it will be.

It's A Sunny Day!

For the first time in a week, I have woken up not quite rested but not in a depressed gloomy state of mind. I always thought I slept terribly sharing the bed with my husband, him taking the covers and hogging the bed all night, but really I sleep horribly when he is not here...waking up every couple hours throughout the night checking the time, just waiting for the girls to get up. Everytime he leaves whether it's training for a couple weeks or now, my body just doesn't know how to react, I start bruising easily (which I never have bruises) in the most random spots, my bones ache, and I have absolutely no energy. Is this depression? Is it loneliness? What is it? I haven't quite been able to figure it out yet. I actually had a good day yesterday, I got both cars washed, even though it was a bit sad because that was something we did together as a team, but it was refreshing to put the girls in the garage and get outside for a bit! I had a sweet friend bring over pizza and wine and we swapped stories about the things we are going through, about our girls, and about life in general. Then all of a sudden, in the midst of me saying I don't think my girls will ever walk, Jaelyn took four steps and fell into my arms...we couldn't believe it, we screamed out of excitement and tried to get her to do it again so we could record it for "dada". I was so excited to right it in his letter, but knowing that he wouldn't get it for another couple weeks, I was kind of bummed...as my sweet friend was leaving Will called, ugh I have not been so excited to hear his voice and tell him of the good time I had that day, and what Jaelyn had done! We got to talk for about 30 minutes which is our longest so far, he was so excited to hear that Jaelyn had taken some steps, but I could hear it in his voice how sad he was that he missed it.
Sometimes I wonder what if I hadn't chose this life, to marry into the military? Would I still be in Denton wondering what am I going to do with my life? Would I still be working in a salon, barely making it by? What would I be doing? I think about if we hadn't gotten married, would I have met any of these sweet, encouraging friends that we all share such a close bond with...probably not! If we hadn't looked for an apartment in Oct. 2008 and just chose the first one we saw (we were desperate) then I wouldn't have met Kristin, the sweetest person ever, then she wouldn't have introduced me to Trina, a spunky honest sweetheart who can make anyone laugh. I wouldn't have met India who at the time was pregnant and going to deliver her baby without her hubby there, she is a genuine friend who is kind to everyone. If my husband didn't work in the unit that he used to would I have met Bam, an australian with the kindest heart who always has something positive to say (even when her husband is gone), would I have met Pablo who has been like family to me and our sweet girls. I wouldn't have met Ashley (who is no longer in...lucky), we did everything together, we would stay for weeks on end together while our husbands were away training and we would so enjoy every minute we had together, she made all those trainings like it was nothing, we had a blast. We moved out of our old apartments and onto base December of 2009, we were trying to get new housing, but settled for an ocean view 3 bedroom nice house, if we hadn't I probably never would have met my direct next door neighbor Victoria, a loving and caring friend. Then if my husband hadn't gone to school to change to a JTAC and switched units I would never have met his friends wife Sara, who also delievered her first without her hubby, and is pregnant again and will deliver without him again, she is who I am going through it with, we cried together, we laughed together, we have tried to encourage each other as best as we can. All these friends I have around me are amazing, and I can't imagine my life or the girls life without them. We have all become a family no matter how different we all are, we all go through the same things and we relate to one another. I know that friends or family can never replace that spot in your heart for your true love, but they can make that space a little smaller so it's not such a huge hole. Thank you to all my sweet friends who have all gone through this at some point or another...I love you, you are the only way I would make it through this 7 months!

Just Another Day!

It's just another lonely day in this big house! I have come to the conclusion that I don't think it will feel like home until he is back and we are a family again. I have recently found myself so attached to my phone that if I don't have pockets I will stuff it wherever I can to make sure it is on me at ALL times. I have never been one to need my cell phone, used to if I forgot it at home when I was going to the mall, I didn't really care what would I need it for anyways? I went to the Homegoods store the other day and as I was getting the girls out of the car and into their stroller I thought I heard something, and of course it was my phone, I barely made it to it (I needed to buckle the girls in first), and thank gosh I made it, it was Will. I have noticed that people text me or call me and unless it's Will, I don't really have the energy or care to answer...is that wrong? I have always been one to answer people back as soon as I get it or as soon as I can, but now I have all these people wanting to hang out and wanting to see how I am doing, but I am too selfish in my own life to respond back! I feel as though I have crawled into a dark hole and there is no way out, I can't see where anything is, and maybe I don't want out, maybe when time gets closer for him to come home I will start to see the light again and start to dig my way out. I realized the other day how desperate I am to be back with my best friend and my love, I didn't realize it as I was doing it, but I found that I had dug through his dirty clothes and found a sweatshirt that I knew he had worn just recently and was sweating in it, I found myself smelling it, just to remember what he smells like, or scrambling to pick up the girls to show them a picture of "dada" but really it's for me to remember his face, or read a book that he recorded for the girls, I read it just to remember his voice! As I have finally reached a week, I keep thinking someone is playing a terrible trick on me, it's like I can't wake up from this terrible nightmare...I hear a noise and I wonder if it's him opening the garage, I hear a motorcycle and I wonder if that's him coming home, I get a text message and that must be him telling me he is on his way home from work. BUT IT'S NOT! If I didn't have the girls, I would sleep this next 7 months away, that's all I would do...but seeming that I have to take care of them, I try to figure some ways to get out and about at night, just to make the days go by faster. I hate to say that I am wishing away the next 7 months, because I hate to lose the precious time that we all wish could slow down for our children, but I need my husband here, I need him to tell me everything is ok, I will watch the girls today while you go out and get your nails done...I need him and more than I ever could have imagined!

....

I was so suprised to see how well people responded to this blog...it was encouraging! Some people might think that I am burdening my husband by letting my emotions out there, I am stressing him out by me stressing, well just so you all know, he doesn't know how I am feeling or the hard time that I am having! With his job he needs a clear mind and not be thinking of home or if I am ok, or how the girls are doing. I write him everynight telling him the things I did that day, but I leave out the tears that were shed...I don't want to be a distraction to him, so I will be a distraction to other people, you will hear that I have good days and I have bad days, there will be ups and there will be downs! My husband left one week ago tonight...I feel like if I could go back and do it all over again, would I make sure we had everything picked up and everything delt with before he left or would I just want to sit on the couch in his arms playing with the girls, not worrying a bit about that prescription I need to pick up so I don't have to sit at the hospital for hours on end with the girls alone! It's funny how mean or angry we can get with the ones we love and are closest to, but the second they leave we wish we could take back all of those things we said or did...when he comes home will it be different? Will I not be mean, or say mean things just to be hurtful? Will I feel differently because of all the time we have lost together? I have never been an emotional person, ya there has been a time here or there that I have been angry or hurt, but never a crier (other than the day I left my girls at the hospital, only a tear or two)...but one week ago today it started, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as he called his family one last time to say goodbye, as he packed his things, as he got his motorcycle ready for 7 months alone. Then the time came for us to leave (1 a.m.), we packed up the girls and we headed to were he needed to be...we sat around till about 5 am and then they started telling us we needed to move our cars so the buses could load up all of their stuff, I didn't want to be trapped in the back of a pile of cars and not be able to get out knowing that the girls needed to get home and get some rest! As we started to say goodbye I went from my husband never seeing me cry, a non emotional person, to absolutely losing it, in a matter of seconds! I told him I can't do it as he told me I can, as tears started to well up in his eyes knowing this would be the last kiss for me and the girls for the next 7 months, it made me cry harder and I couldn't handle it anymore! As I drove away the fear started to sink in, the what if's began...What if I just left him there and I never see him again? What if I didn't hear from him for who knows how long? They kept coming and coming...the fear of the unknown was too much for me to handle! I have heard from him a couple times since he left, they are still doing classes so he has been able to call twice, as he asks me how I am doing I hold back the tears and the trembling voice as I tell him all is good, everything is great! I don't want him to know the fear that I have in my heart and that life as I know it is so different and so hard without him...I tell him I have a routine now when really my routine is worrying! I am sure everyone has heard the saying that the wives have the hardest job in the military...that's absolutely not true....we just have the worst job! Our husbands go off to fight a war, leave their families and what they know to no showers, bad connections, mre's, sweat, sand, no ice....they have the hard job. This almost week now, has been cloudy and rainy almost everyday, today is a beautiful sunny crisp cool day out...I thought that the cloudy rainy ones would be the hardest and as it turns out they were, but today I sit here thinking if he was home, we would be out having fun, taking the girls to the park or taking a walk...not sitting inside wallowing in self pity and wondering what I am going to do ALL day! I find myself wandering around this house as if I don't know where things are, who's house is this? A lost little puppy dog not knowing how to get home, just plain LOST! I think about other wives and what they do, do we all think the same? In the absence of family, they would be my family, in the absence of my mate, they would become my soul's support. But more than anything other wives are fellow travelers who understand, where so many other people simply can't. The relationship between military wives is a sisterhood, we need each other. I have come to see how much love and support I have around me, from other wives who have been through it, to the ones who are going through it with me!

Lonely Day

I am starting this blog to be honest, to put into words how I am feeling day to day! I have never done something like this before, but I also have never gone through what I am going through either!
I thought I was doing ok, that life was starting to get it's routine, but much to my dismay I'm not doing ok, and life might have a routine, but it's not the routine I want. I have tried to make it better, by hanging out with friends, by writing my husband every night after the girls go to bed, by thinking of things that I enjoy (having the bed to myself, not picking up his dirty clothes, not cleaning the sink every morning), but I have come to realize that I actually like sharing the bed, and I don't mind picking up clothes, or even having a dirty sink! I have tried to remember bad times, something that hurt me or mad me mad, something I could use to make me angry...maybe that would make missing him better, or maybe it would make me not miss him at all. I can't get angry when I know he is doing something for our country, for me, for our daughters, for you and your families too! I often wonder, who signs up for this, why did I choose this, why would anyone? We all know what we are signing up for whether it's our husbands who signed up for the military or if it's us who sign up to be by there side when they go off to war, but that doesn't make life any easier! I am not good at being mommy, daddy, housewife, light bulb changer, smoke detector beater, trash taker outer, car washer (x's 2), bill payer, grocery shopper, errand runner, or hold the fort down person! I am really terrible at all these things actually, if I could I would let the trash pile up, there would be no dishes or laundry, we wouldn't have lights in the house, and the cars would go 7 months with no washing! I know I have to stay strong for my girls, for my husband, but who can really do that when your love, soul mate, best friend, is on the other side of the world and not much of a way to communicate? People say distance makes the heart grow fonder, psh...it has made my heart break into a million tiny pieces that who knows will ever be repaired...maybe I will feel differently when he comes home, but at this moment, I don't know that I can do it! I am lonely, and heartbroken, and it has not even been a week, I can't imagine a month, 3 months, or 5 months! I know people will have their thoughts about this, but I don't really care what people think, this is my life and what I am going through...this is what other military wives go through, but maybe not be able to put it into words. Maybe I am the only one who feels angry, hurt, lonely, sad, happy, or whatever, but I'm sure there is someone else out there who might just not be able to express their emotions like I haven't been able to until now! People give me Bible verses and prayer, and as much as I thank you all for doing that, my heart and my mind are in two different places right now, my mind knows that I need to trust in Lord, He is protector of all...but my heart says nobody can make this better, my heart won't be whole again until my hubby is back, and the worry won't stop until he is in my arms!