Another gloomy day!

When I woke up this morning to the sound of my sweet girls voice, I looked outside in hopes of another sunny fall day, but no it's dark gloomy and rainy. Not what I need to make my days go by faster or make them seem a bit happier. I have always seen myself as an honest, caring person, and my take on this blog would be full honesty...I can't be honest with other people till I stop lying to myself. I say that I'm doing ok, and although I might be, and people probably see that I am doing ok from the outside, my heart aches, I long to see my husband and feel his touch again, and my life has spun so quickly out of control, I don't know what to do. Control is something we would all like to have, whether it's controlling the way our day to day life is, controlling other people around us, or controlling how our children act...when in face we can't control a darn thing, not even our children, we might be able to discipline in hopes that they will act right, but they will do their own thing. I feel at this point that I can't even control myself, which I know might sound weird, we can all control ourselves, but I can't control the thoughts that have been racing through my mind, the emotions, the tears, I certainly can't control if my face breaks out from the stress (which I wish I could control the most). I have found one thing in my life and about me that I can control, it is me vs. the scale, I can kind of understand the thoughts of someone with an eating disorder, it's actually really easy to not eat and be ok with it. I have been a person to always love the taste of food, but when my husband is gone I don't want anything, and it gets easier as the days go by to just not be hungry. I have promised myself when he gets home I will have lost 11 pounds, a goal weight of... I can't say, people will judge and although I don't care what people think, I don't want to hear the wraths! How I feel is that when my life spins out of control I need one thing I can keep under control and to know that I am completely in charge of that and it can't do anything without me saying so. I know that life is not about controlling it, it's about giving it all to the Lord and letting Him deal with it, but when someones life turns upside down, and the desperation, anxiety, stress, loneliness, and all these things combine it's hard to fully put every little bit of yourself that you have left and just give it to the Lord. I know that this is a good thing...getting everything I have to say out there and being able to be free of some of the weight that is so heavy on my body, but I also know that there are those people out there who will judge me for not being the perfect wife, mother and the perfect Christian, although everyone knows there is no one that is perfect, some people most certainly thing that the Christian part of their life is perfect, but always has room to grow! It doesn't hurt me for people to tell me to trust in Christ that He is the one that I should be longing for, but those people probably haven't had their true love gone out of your life within a matter of seconds. I grew up in a Christian family, church going, good family, but that doesn't mean that I still don't screw up or get off track or start to fall of the wagon at times. Actually I fall off the wagon quite a bit then I get run over about a 1,000 times before I can see what happened...that is where I am at in my life right now, I have fallen off the wagon, doubt, fear, depression has all come over me in a way that I have never experienced before. One of the last things my husband said to me before he left was, "If I were to die, I want you to remarry. Make sure it's someone who will take good care of the girls and love them as if they were his own." Umm...talk about putting something in my head I can't handle...I didn't want to think of death being a possibility, but I knew it was. I have a hard time managing all the thoughts in my head, and that has been one that won't go to the back so I can forget it, I don't want to think of death being an option, but the fear is so strong that I can't think of anything but that. Is there something wrong with me? Is the what if's game normal? Or would I rather's game normal? What is normal to me and you are probably two different things, but my life right now is nowhere near normal, but I know one day it will be.