Lonely Day

I am starting this blog to be honest, to put into words how I am feeling day to day! I have never done something like this before, but I also have never gone through what I am going through either!
I thought I was doing ok, that life was starting to get it's routine, but much to my dismay I'm not doing ok, and life might have a routine, but it's not the routine I want. I have tried to make it better, by hanging out with friends, by writing my husband every night after the girls go to bed, by thinking of things that I enjoy (having the bed to myself, not picking up his dirty clothes, not cleaning the sink every morning), but I have come to realize that I actually like sharing the bed, and I don't mind picking up clothes, or even having a dirty sink! I have tried to remember bad times, something that hurt me or mad me mad, something I could use to make me angry...maybe that would make missing him better, or maybe it would make me not miss him at all. I can't get angry when I know he is doing something for our country, for me, for our daughters, for you and your families too! I often wonder, who signs up for this, why did I choose this, why would anyone? We all know what we are signing up for whether it's our husbands who signed up for the military or if it's us who sign up to be by there side when they go off to war, but that doesn't make life any easier! I am not good at being mommy, daddy, housewife, light bulb changer, smoke detector beater, trash taker outer, car washer (x's 2), bill payer, grocery shopper, errand runner, or hold the fort down person! I am really terrible at all these things actually, if I could I would let the trash pile up, there would be no dishes or laundry, we wouldn't have lights in the house, and the cars would go 7 months with no washing! I know I have to stay strong for my girls, for my husband, but who can really do that when your love, soul mate, best friend, is on the other side of the world and not much of a way to communicate? People say distance makes the heart grow fonder, psh...it has made my heart break into a million tiny pieces that who knows will ever be repaired...maybe I will feel differently when he comes home, but at this moment, I don't know that I can do it! I am lonely, and heartbroken, and it has not even been a week, I can't imagine a month, 3 months, or 5 months! I know people will have their thoughts about this, but I don't really care what people think, this is my life and what I am going through...this is what other military wives go through, but maybe not be able to put it into words. Maybe I am the only one who feels angry, hurt, lonely, sad, happy, or whatever, but I'm sure there is someone else out there who might just not be able to express their emotions like I haven't been able to until now! People give me Bible verses and prayer, and as much as I thank you all for doing that, my heart and my mind are in two different places right now, my mind knows that I need to trust in Lord, He is protector of all...but my heart says nobody can make this better, my heart won't be whole again until my hubby is back, and the worry won't stop until he is in my arms!