Merry Christmas???

As Christmas has arrived and is about to pass within a blink of an eye, I have spent my first Christmas feeling lost in a crowd of friends and family, wondering why I feel like this. I never thought that loving someone so much could actually hurt so bad at times! I didn't really want to celebrate Christmas this year, I actually asked my mom to not wrap any presents because I didn't want to be opening presents as my husband is off serving our country with nothing. I feel like I still have to put on a somewhat good face for my girls, give them as good of a Christmas as I can, even though they don't quite understand! I know that Christmas is not about presents, or what you eat, or who your with...it's our about our Saviors birth, and so many people forget the true meaning of Christmas, but it still hurts to not spend it with the one you love most and have a present or two from that person. I got a call from my hubby tonight, and it made my heart skip a beat, I miss that feeling, I miss holding his hand just walking in the mall, I miss bickering over something completely stupid, I miss hearing I love you, or getting a goodnight kiss!! There is so much that we take for granted when they are here, but when they are gone, it reminds us of what we would do just to have them back. Maybe missing a couple holidays will make homecoming that much sweeter than if it were just a 7 month deployment (I don't think it will be any different, but maybe)....maybe we will be able to make up for it next year! I hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas and remembers what it is really about, and remembers to enjoy every second of that crazy family you have and the flaws that every family has...because I sure do miss having my other half!!

Feels like forever!

It seems like forever ago that I blogged, I have been so busy and not enough time in the day to do everything! Life has been so exhausting, I feel like I can't keep up with it! As December has started and we are already a week into it, the holidays are coming up fast, and I'm not ready to spend them alone. I haven't gotten to hear from my hubby in a while, and I haven't heard his voice in two weeks, maybe if I hear his voice it will make life seem a little better, maybe it will feel like we aren't so far away from each other and that life is not so lonely! I am in desperate need of strength to get through this long haul of a deployment. Everything I have left of me is exhausted and in need of something! I can't stop thinking about all the men and women (especially my hubby) who is spending this holiday season overseas and serving our country, who don't get to spend it with their families and don't get to watch their children open their Christmas gifts! I am hoping that everyone can keep our military in their thoughts and prayers at this time of year as I am sure it must be the hardest for everyone!

Who would have known?

So I started this blog to share my feelings, to let people know about me, my girls, my hubby...our lives, in a different sort of way, a military life, a family life, a normal life (to us)! Well a couple weeks ago my sweet neighbor let me in on finding out who is following your blog or where from, but how many views and what not it has gotten...so much to my suprise other than people from the U.S. that are reading this I also have people that are acually reading my blog everytime I post one from, Canada, France, Spain, UK, Thailand, Germany, Uganda, and Malaysia... I can't believe it! It is amazing to me that people all over the world "tune in" to see what is going on in our crazy life! I am praying that I have touched someone's heart with my story and maybe helped other people be open about their sadness, loneliness, dark times, and also happy times, as I have been! It is so weird to think that no matter how different our lives or cultures can be all over the world, we can still all have the same feelings and emotions at the same time, but it might not be alright for other people to express it and share it the way I have been able to! I hope that maybe someone else in this big ol world will read one of my blogs and see that even on the hardest day of my life, I was still able to come back and be ok and praise God for every minute of every day that He gives me breath to breathe, and the ability to take care of my girls (and email my husband), I hope that they can find the strength to praise God for even the littlest things. Although I know it takes time to realize it, it gets better with time!

I wanna go home!

Yesterday as thanksgiving came and went, I felt lonely and sad... I didn't get to celebrate with my best friend, we didn't get to spend time with family, friends and loved ones together. Every year I look so forward to my mommas Christmas cooking (and since Thanksgiving is the same meal)...we usually are not in town for Thanksgiving, but only Christmas, this year I was so excited for some good turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie...little did I know that it is not the food that makes it so good, it's the people you have to share it with! I felt sick to my stomach all day, and tried to hide the tears that were welling up in my eyes. Why is it that without your other half, things aren't as fun, or holidays don't seem like holidays? I feel as though this holiday season is one that will easily be forgotten, because my heart is not in it this year! I am sad and lonely and just want to go home and be in my own bed, my own house, with my whole family, spending Thanksgiving as we have known it the past couple years, with my bad cooking, and good friends all going through the same things TOGETHER! I get so excited to get a phone call, email, or even a yahoo message, but when I stop and think about it nothing will ever be the same as being together in person and sharing these moments as a family! I hope that everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and cherished their sweet moments with their families and friends!!

A Hectic Life!!

So I know it's been a few days since I have written, but I didn't realize how busy I would be..on vacation! My mom got to Cali on Thursday and we did some shopping and relaxing while packing and what not! Saturday the madness began... my sweet neighbor took us to the airport, and it was pouring rain and freezing! I was sopping wet from getting everything and the carseats out of the car, it was miserable! Security was suprisingly not too painful, and didn't take as long as our first time! The plane was a bit late, but the girls had a blast with the open freedom of crawling around the airport and everyone giving them attention! The flight was a nice long 3 hours and it wasn't miserable but it was long, the girls took about an hour nap, and Jaelyn kicked me out of my seat so she could sleep in it, which meant I sat on the floor! On the flight Ava started coughing and so the sickness began! She has been having a really hard time breathing, sleeping, eating, anything...so yesterday I took her to the doctor and they took her vitals and said her oxygen level was only at an 88% and that I needed to take her to the ER asap! As much as I hate the ER and the wait, they gave her steroids and did some xrays to make sure she hadn't swallowed anything...when everything came back negative they determined it's the croup! It could have been alot worse, and I'm thankful that that's all it is, but now that she is on these steroids they weaken her immune system and she is not supposed to be around people or out in public...so life will be boring and indoors for a while! And they said it will be about a week to two weeks before Jaelyn will be in the ER being treated for the same thing! Lets cross our fingers and pray to God that maybe she won't get it!

Is it good enough?

So I decided to take a break yesterday, I didn't really feel like doing much. I know I should be taking advantage of this time that I have, especially with my girls. I feel as though I should be trying new things, being adventurous, finding a hobby...but really I don't care about doing any of those things. I have been told repeatedly that raising twins gets easier as they get a little older...for me it has gotten harder. When they were babies all they did was eat and sleep, now I have to fight with them to take a 2nd nap. When they first started eating table foods, they enjoyed just about everything, other than meats, now they won't even eat their favorite thing...pasta! People say they won't starve themselves they will eat when they are hungry, I am starting to think differently, I seriously think they are going to starve themselves. How can I get them to eat, I feel like a bad parent, that my kids are going to be malnurished, or something of that sort. I have also gotten the comment a thousand times well why don't you and other wives switch off with babysitting, or find a babysitter (this is from strangers), because we don't want to watch anymore children than we already have...life is hard enough for me at least with the two of them, I don't want to be adding in any other ones, and I know other people feel the same way. Some random lady last night put her input in and I didn't really care to hear it...she kept going on and on about if I had help, or someone to watch them, and she told me she had a friend who does things for military wives and she would get them to email me...I don't want your help lady!!! I have a really hard time meeting new people and talking to them, and since I have had the girls, strangers talk to me like they have known me for years, they give advice, some helpful, most not, but it's just so aggravating to me...can't people see I'm doing the best I can, that raising the two of them alone is really hard, but that I'm managing, I'm getting by or else I wouldn't be out in public if I couldn't do it! I am tired, exhausted, my body hurts, I'm lonely and I want my hubby back...but I'm doing all I can to raise my girls to the best of my ability, but what if it's not good enough?

Day 13

Day 13- A photo from last summer.

This was his first time taking the girls swimming, since he had been training and gone so much this past summer I had the chance to swim with them quite a bit, but he enjoyed getting the chance to take them!

Jaelyn- she was upset that she had to get out of the water.

Ava didn't seem to mind as much since daddy was holding her!

We finally had a reason for them to wear their cute robes!

One month down!!

So we have officially made it one month, YAY!! Now only 6 more to go. Normally for a training I would be getting the house cleaned up and ready for him to come home this week or next, it still seems so weird not to have him home after this long. Anyways to celebrate me and the girls did a walmart trip, and then we went to Chili's (alone), this is my first restaurant experience by myself. Everyone stared at me, and I could see the looks on their faces that these two little babies were going to ruin everyone's dinner by crying or being loud...well they actually did really good, they sat us in a booth so the girls had to sit next to each other (never a good idea), Jaelyn kept hitting Ava and kept pulling on her shirt, Ava got a bit upset, but other than that they did great!
With the holidays right around the corner and starting to see all the decorations at stores and malls, it makes me a bit sad...to know that I will spend all these holidays alone. I kind of feel like I don't want to participate in anything, why can't we just treat it like any other day? It's not like the girls understand it's Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't want to buy presents or receive presents without my hubby...I hate knowing that I will be enjoying family, friends, food, and holidays while he is not getting to do anything. It makes me really sad!

Day 12 & A phone call

I woke up to a phone call from my hubby! I felt like I was starting to get a little sick, then he called and made everything go away and has started my day off so good! I love getting to tell him about the girls and trying to keep him in the loop about what they are doing, how they are acting, and what they are eating these days, I love the way he laughs when I tell him something funny they did as if he was here with me and we were laughing about it together!

Day 12- A black and white photo!!

These are two of my all time favorite pictures of us, this was August of 2008 these were our engagement pictures. We had a sweet friend do them and they turned out great, and we had a blast!

Day 11 of photo challenge

Day 11- one of the oldest pictures in your folder

Well this is actually a newer computer so my pictures on here are from the past year, but I will try and dig up the oldest picture I can find.

This is the beautiful Coronado Island, where Will proposed to me!!

My bridal portraits which I think actually came before the proposal (our order was all mixed up :) )

The night before the wedding, we all went to Chili's then to a haunted house!

Day 10 of photo challenge

So I accidentally skipped day 9 and did day 10 yesterday, so I will do the one I skipped today!

Day 9- A picture that showcases motion...

Not really sure what that means, but we will try anyways.

This is one of their favorite things to do, eat! They had just had big girl spaghetti for the first time, and now that's all they eat, pasta with tomato sauce on it!!

This is their other favorite thing to do, if they are cranky one day, swimming will fix everything! They love to splash and drink the water, gross!

Day 8&9 of photo challenge!

Well Day 8 is actually supposed to be a picture of your commute, and since I don't have a commute I decided to skip this one...the only normal commute I have is either to the commissary or to the mall!!

So Day 9 is a photo that was taken that you love

Yet again another one that there are so many pictures to share!!

This is the first time we found out we were having twins...what a suprise, but such a wonderful suprise it has been!!!

This is when we found out we were having two girls, it was a 3D ultrasound, but the best picture was the one that wasn't 3D, the only one with both my girls together!! They kicked each other the whole time!

The girls first couple of days home from the hospital, these were preemie diapers on them, they were so tiny that the nurses in the NICU gave them under 3 lb. diapers to wear.

The girls first trip to the beach, we went to have some pictures taken for Christmas cards (we never sent them out), and they slept the whole time, never woke up to enjoy the cool air, the gorgeous ocean, or the sand between everything.

This is a perfect example of how life still is these days, Ava screaming or being loud and Jaelyn sticking her fingers in her ears to tune her out!! They are best friends and have been since before they were even born!! I love my girls so much, they make each day so much better, and a BIT more entertaining.

Day 7 of photo challenge!

Day 7- A photo from a recent vacation

Well we haven't really had much of a vacation in a while, but I will find a couple that maybe we call a vacation!

Our first trip to Disneyland at 20 weeks pregnant...we couldn't ride many rides, but we had a blast anyways, and we can't wait to take the girls!

My mom came out and watched the girls for us while we went to Vegas for 2 days...it was such a nice, but quick getaway, I needed it so bad! This is our view from the suite that they upgraded us to!

The girls first trip to the San Diego Zoo, it is a massive and beautiful zoo. If you ever make a trip to Cali, it is a must see!!

Looking at all these makes me think that I need a vacation...BADLY!!!

Day 6 of photo challenge-Inspiration!!!

So my sweet neighbor taught me how to put a video in a blog...thank goodness for her and her husband who fixed my computer...I almost had a panich attack when it wouldn't work right! Anyways this is for those of you who didn't look it up! This song actually goes with my photo challenge today, this song almost inspires me to not be sad, to know that he is coming home, and it will be over before I know it...It inspires me to be strong and know that there are so many of us out there going through this right now, and will go through it soon!

Day 6- A photo that inspires you

This is a really big category for me...there is so much in life that inspires me.

This is our sweet girls the day after they were born, their cords, wires, and all. God blessed us with two beautiful girls, and I can't imagine my life any less hectic or different. It is amazing to think that these two bundles of joy grew inside my belly, that life was created in there. Pregnancy still amazes me everyday, and to see even when your babies are 8 weeks early, how good God is no matter what, He kept them healthy and strong.

There is so much about this picture that is inspiring to me, first of all the ocean amazes me, when I look at it and I can't see past it, and to know how much life and things that are in there...It is so huge and almost overwhelming. Second, my girls are always inspiring to me, they are what keeps me strong and pushing through everyday. Third, my husband, he inspires me, he is wonderful. He makes me want to be a better person, and he inspires me to strive to be better everyday! I love him with my whole heart, and can't wait for him to be home. And fourth the sand really inspires me, to feel it between my toes, cold on my feet..ahh there is nothing like barefeet, cold sand, and your family on the beach...I love it!!

Day 5 of photo challenge & a song!

So I don't know how to put a song in here, but I will tell you what it is and you must listen to it! It's Reba Mcentire and Faith Hill Sleeping with the telephone. It is a military wives theme song, something that finally describes how we feel, how are lonely nights go, and how are new companion is our telephone!

Day 5- A photo of your morning.

This morning the girls had their booster shots (yes on a sunday)...this is not typical for us to be up and dressed by 8 am...but at least this challege fell on an early day for us!!

Day 4 of 20 day photo challege

Day 4- Take a picture of where you went today!

So I forgot to take the picture when I got there, but I already had a picture of the girls first ride in a big girl cart at the commissary!

They love going to the commissary, everybody smiles at them and makes faces, and they enjoy every second of all the attention! Ava steers her wheel like a crazy woman, while Jaelyn sits back and makes googly eyes and EVERYONE!!

As much as I hate going to the commissary, last night was nice and quiet and not many people there, so it was nice to still get out and get some fresh air!

Thankful for....

So yesterday I opened a new roll of paper towels and written on them it said there is so much to be thankful for if you just take the time to look! And since it is almost Thanksgiving, I wanted to write what I am thankful for and blessed with!
I am thankful for first and foremost a gracious, forgiving, caring Lord God Almighty... He loves me no matter what, He is strong when I am weak, and He forgives me when I fall down and stumble along the way. I am thankful for my amazing husband, who is also my best friend, I couldn't imagine my life without him, he has always been there for me through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad, who works his rear end off so I can stay home and raise our girls. I am thankful for my two beautiful daughters who make my day so much brighter even when I just look at them. Caring for them by myself might be hard but it is so rewarding to see the way they look at me and want to snuggle with me, I couldn't imagine having two better girls! I am thankful for my family, my mom and dad have always been huge supporters of me and everything I do, my mom is always willing to help me with anything and everything, and I have always been a daddys girl...I am still his pumpkin pie. My in-laws are amazing, I never have to even ask they are always offering their time and things to make my life a little easier. I am thankful for my friends, without them I don't know how I would make it through this hard time, being able to get to know them and spend time with them is some of the best part of my days. I am thankful for a roof over my head, for my health and my families health, for the food that we have to put on the table (or the money to go get food, since I don't usually cook when I'm alone), for modes of transportation, for the clothes that I have! I am so thankful for everything I have, but I hate to see that most of us (including me) don't take the time to think about it and be thankful for all of our things until this time of year! I hope that you can also see all the things in your life that you are blessed with and be thankful for them, even the little ones.

Death & Day 3 of Photo Challenge!

For some reason today my heart, my mind, and my body all feel overwhelmed, I feel as though I have run out of steam to keep going! My poor girls have been getting wipe baths instead of real baths because a real bath is so time consuming and so hard for me to do alone, but finally last night I gave them a bath...the first one in 3 days! Life is going 1000 mph around me and I can't keep up, but the days seem to drag out and are so long. The other day I got an email from our FRO (family readiness officer), he keeps us all posted on things that are going on around base, our guys, and other things that are happening...anyways the first line of the email was he was sorry to inform us that there had already been a casualty in 2/1 (my husbands unit)...my heart sank, I couldn't get through the email fast enough to find out who it was. He said he would post us later on of what happened, but it was like getting punched in the stomach so hard you can't get up afterward...I can't believe they haven't even been there 3 weeks and this has already happened. My heart goes out to the family, but in a way I feel happy that it's not my family that this happened to. Is that wrong or selfish? I don't know what I would do without my husband, my soul mate, my best friend...life could never be the same!

Day 3- A picture of your street!

These are actually pictures that my neighbor took of our street, I just took them from her blog (since Wills car is in the first picture)

This is a view from our backyard...I love waking up to see the ocean every morning, this is my favorite thing about this house!

Day 2 of 20 day photo challenge!

Day 2- A picture you have taken of the beach

This is one of Will and Jaelyn on our first walk down the beach in Oceanside, that is the Oceanside Pier in the background.

This one was the first time we took our dog Rocky to the Del Mar dog beach, in January of 2009. He had a blast playing in the water, even though it was freezing.

We were in La Jolla village at an aquarium, and this was the view from the outside, it was a beautiful day!

The girls first trip to lay out on the beach...too much sand and not warm enough!! I guess we will wait till next summer to try again!

20 Day Photo Challenge

I am going to try something a little different, I have a friend who is doing a 20 day photo challenge. I looked through them and I don't think I have all the pictures, but I will do the best that I can!

Day 1- A picture of yourself

Day 2- A picture you have taken of the beach

Day 3- A picture of your street

Day 4- A picture of where you went today

Day 5- A picture of your morning

Day 6- A picture that inspires you

Day 7- A picture from a recent vacation

Day 8- A picture of your commute

Day 9- A picture that showcases motion

Day 10- A picture that was taken at one time that you love

Day 11- One of the oldest pictures you have in your picture folder

Day 12- A black and white photo

Day 13- A picture from last summer

Day 14- A picture taken with your cell phone

Day 15- A picture that you edited

Day 16- A picture of you more than 10 years ago

Day 17- A picture of what you wore today

Day 18- A picture of you and a best friend

Day 19- A favorite picture of yours

Day 20- Any picture you want



I don't know how long this will take me, but I will try it out for a while!!



Day 1- A picture of me!!

This is me at my baby shower that Shari and Sharidon threw for me. I was 30 weeks pregnant with the girls! I guess being a mommy I don't take many pictures of myself so this is one of the only ones that I have!!

It's our anniversary!

I can't believe the month of November is here, I have such a busy month and hope that I can stay busy so it flies by...some friends hair to do for their balls, baby shower, my momma comes, we fly to Texas, and Thanksgiving...but most importantly our 2 year wedding anniversary is today! Nothing like having two special days back to back! So I figured I would tell you all how we met, fell in love, and our story!
We both grew up in Denton, Tx, Will had been there his whole life, but I was born in Houston, moved quite a few times and then a couple times around the Denton area. We started going to Denton Bible way back, I don't even remember how long it's been! 8 years ago this past summer we met at church, ah it was like automatic fireworks (for me at least, I don't know about him)! We were going to be working the kids sports world together, so I found out what sport he was coaching for and I signed up for the same one, it was basketball...I played basketball in junior high and highschool, but my real passion was volleyball, but I didn't care I coached basketball so I could get to know him better. We ended up starting to "date" right away, although are parents weren't too thrilled with the idea of two 15 year olds dating, but we liked each other alot! We turned 16 and we were able to actually go places, see movies, out to dinner, or just hang out at each others houses! I remember the first time he told me he loved me...in a letter :) so when I asked why he couldn't say it to me it was always in just a little note, he stuttered it out! At the end of our sophmore year of highschool we broke up, we didn't want to be those people who had never dated anyone else, who were highschool sweet hearts but later get divorced because they didn't know what else was out there, and we wanted to focus on our sports and our last highschool years! We both dated other people and it would make me so jealous when he would bring one of his other girlfriends to church, ugh I would be so angry! We happened to keep running into each other at random places (besides Church) for the rest of our highschool years. Then his senior year he joined the Marine Corps, he was gone before the graduation ceremony had even taken place! We didn't have much communication for a while, but then all of a sudden I got an email out of the blue, he was in Iraq for his first deployment, and had also been stationed in Japan...I couldn't believe he emailed me, it was so random. We started emailing regularly, just about everyday I would hear from him, and then he would let me know when he would be gone for a week for a mission. He said when I come home for Christmas can I take you out to dinner, I said of course! So Christmas time rolled around and he came over for Christmas eve and we all hung out and talked then he took me to On the Border, and it was like reuniting with an old best friend, but better! He was about to leave when we were outside talking, and he said to me when I get stationed in California I want you to come out there and marry me...I didn't quite process the information until a couple days later when I had had time to think about it! So I emailed him after he had already left for Japan and asked him if he was serious about what he had said! He said well of course or else he wouldn't have said it! So I said ok, from then on we started talking wedding, with our families and friends...everyone was so shocked, where did this come from, didn't ya'll just start talking again? Our hearts had always been in love, but our minds were in different places! We decided to get the Chapel at our home Church for New Years Eve, it was going to be a celebration! By September we had just about everything ready, but we were afraid he was going to get deployed early that next year, so we moved our wedding up almost two months, everybody got frantic that it was now just a month away instead of 2! There was one little problem, he hadn't proposed to me yet! He came home for leave when he was being switched duty stations from Japan to California and we all thought that's when the proposal would happen....but NO! I decided to make a trip out to Cali and see him, it was August 26 2008 and we stayed in Coronado for a nice long weekend, then one night he took me out to dinner at IL Fornao (don't know how to spell it) and then we took a walk around the beautiful park and beach, he got down on one knee and gave me a beautiful speech that I don't remember because I was so shocked he did it in front of so many people walking by! He gave me a dog tag that said Michelle Barns My Princess Always and Forever, well of course I had to say yes! I got to spend 10 days with him, that was the most I had seen him since we dated our sophmore year! I flew home the day before my birthday, but was really bummed, so we immediately booked me another flight out for October! Military couples are different in their way of marriage and weddings...you have to be married in order to get your off base housing allowance in order for the guys to move out of the barracks. So when I came out in October we started looking for somewhere to live, we saw an apartment complex looked and agreed that would work for us, but we couldn't sign a lease until we were married which meant we would have no were to live when we moved out there in November...so we drove to Vegas and got married on Oct. 11, I know not many people know this...our parents know but most of our home friends and other family members don't know! We wanted to keep the wedding special and for everyone to still attend! We were able to get all the we needed done so we could have a place to live immediately when we moved out! November finally rolled around and it was our wedding day, we had an amazing beautiful wedding, and the chapel was filled with people, it was a day I will never forget, and I had the most handsome groom dressed in his dress blues! That night we flew out for our honeymoon, we went to the Poconos (don't know how to spell that either)...we had a blast just relaxing, getting to take a day trip up to New York, and just having fun! It was soon over and back to reality and moving...we had the movers back up all my stuff out of storage and off to California we went! It was pretty normal around here for the first couple months, then January rolled around and I found out I was pregnant (wahoo, we were so excited), but then January 28 I had a miscarriage, it was one of the hardest days of my life! We picked our heads up and new we would have another chance! By the end of February I found out I was pregnant again...we weren't going to announce this one other than to family only! In early March I went to the hospital for bleeding, I just knew I was having another miscarriage, when we got there they said everything looked ok and the bloodwork was fine but they would do an ultrasound just to make sure! When the ER nurse stopped and paused and looked confused, she said "I have only ever seen this on one other person" we were confused by what she was talking about, she said "You're having twins"....WHAT no that's not possible, we don't have twins in our families, we hadn't done any kind of treatments...nothing! My pregnancy went great, we had a couple problems of early contractions, and morning sickness, but other than that it was great...we did everything went to disneyland, stayed in Coronado, and went body boarding at the beach everyweekend, even the day before my water broke! On September 12 our beautiful girls were born, although the next four weeks were long with them in the hospital we were so blessed to have two beautiful healthy girls! Life as we knew it had changed, we were parents and we didn't get out much anymore we just stayed put to feed the girls every 4 hours and to nap all day! The past two years have been so eventful for us, but so fun as well! I couldn't ask for a better husband and two sweeter girls, I have the perfect family! I know no one is perfect, but my family is perfect for me, their flaws and all. My husband means the world to me, and I fall in love with him more everyday, I can't wait to have him back home with us. I hope you all enjoy our love story and our journey as much as I have. I am so blessed!

Halloween!

Well we have made it to our first holiday not being together. Although it is not really a holiday we celebrate, it is still the first holiday! Last year it was fun for us to hand out candy together, even though we only got 5 or 6 trick or treaters, and to dress our girls up as a frog and a pumpkin. And two years ago, was the night before our wedding and our whole wedding party went out to dinner and to a haunted house, we all had a blast together! Something about spending a holiday alone (no matter what holiday) seems depressing and lonely no matter who you have around you. I know that no one can replace my husband, but since I have such wonderful friends we are all getting together to take our girls out trick or treating! I am so excited to dress my sweet peas up as a cow and a ladybug. With the help of all my friends, it has made time go by quickly, the days seem long, but once they are over it seems like it has flown by. I know this is a short one, but I don't have much on the topic of halloween!

Complaints Anyone!

So yesterday as I was just sitting on the couch, no TV, just sitting and thinking, I was thinking about life in general and about how much I complain. I can complain about anything, literally! I was wondering why do I complain or any of us for that matter, what is so bad in our lives that we have to complain? God has given me breath to breathe everyday, has given me the strength I didn't know I had to make it this far and to take care of my sweet girls! I find myself getting really angry when I have just mopped or vacuumed and the girls throw their food on the floor it makes me so mad, but they most certainly don't know I just cleaned the floors so they can lay on them and lick them (disgusting)! I was thinking about how much I have complained about my husband being gone when in reality what does it help to complain? It won't bring him back any faster or make him any safer for me to worry and complain that I am a lonely wife. I know that I can't help the worry, I have tried to make peace with the situation and ask the Lord for peace in my heart and mind, but the worry will always be in the back of my mind...but for the complaining I can help that and nobody likes to hear someone who complains all the time! So from today I will try my hardest not to find something stupid and insignificant to complain about and make such a big deal about it. I think most people can relate to this and can probably say they have been there or are there and when you think about it maybe you too will feel the same way!

Exhausted

Today I feel as though I have been hit by a train and it stopped and back over me and then kept going and ran over me again...pure exhaustion! My mind, body, everything about me has no energy left. There is no much to do in this house, but my body can't function to do it and my mind is not functioning to put what it thinks into words. I have done something with my sweet friends just about everyday this week, and it still feels like life is moving in slow motion, why can't it go by faster? I was thinking about it the other night if I write a blog everyday (which I don't know if I actually will, but say I do) then I will have written 211 blogs...that's a ton! Seeming that I'm only on what day 9 or 10 if even that, gosh it's not even close to a dent in it. Today is me vs. the commissary, oh how I hate the commissary especially when it's so close to payday, but my children do need to eat so I guess I have to go...there is nothing like old people or just annoying people standing in the middle of the aisle with their carts deciding what kind of beans they want or looking at every package of eggs before they take the first one they opened, or should they go with the value pack of toilet paper or just a 6 pack. I hate the commissary, but it's the closest, cheapest, and the only one that has a double seater cart. And as much as I do dislike the commissary this will be the 3rd time I have gone since my husband left 2 weeks ago tomorrow... I go and have a list and as I pass something I think ah I'll come back to it, and then I forget it (probably like most people do), but then I went the 2nd time with only 4 or 5 things on it that I had forgotten the first time and still forgot stuff...uhhh I could scream it's so annoying! I still have the deployment wife brain (one that can't function or remember anything), maybe in a couple weeks or months it will straighten out, but if you ask me to do something or I tell you something, you better be ready to remind me 400 times over again until it happens...cuz I can't remember a darn thing!

My Girls are monsters!

In the midst of a great afternoon yesterday, I knew that the girls had to get down for a nap by 2 so they would be in good shape to go to the pumpkin patch with some friends! When 2:30 rolled around I decided to go up there and lay them back down and give them their paci's...when that didn't work, I went back up 30 minutes later to try again! It still didn't work, so I just said forget about it, they can play in their beds and maybe they will fall asleep. They never did, so I went up at 3:45 knowing that they needed their snack and to get dressed before we were needing to leave by 4:30. When I got close to their room I started to smell this horrible stinch and when I went in the smell got worse, I couldn't figure out what it was, until....I looked at Ava and immediately knew what the stink was, she had poop all over her face, her hands, her head, her bed, the walls, EVERYWHERE! She had taken her diaper off and decided to play in her own fecal matter! I was kind of angry, but I know she doesn't know what she is doing...she had to have a bath and all the bedding and toys and blankets had to be washed. We did manage to get a snack, get dressed, and out the door by 4:30 to head to the pumpkin patch! Like I said before as much as I would like to be able to control my children and their schedule they do their own thing on their own time, and when we need a schedule the most is when it usually doesn't work out!

addiction!

So recently I have found that I am addicted to something, I have been addicted for a while, Will would always ask are you doing that again... but now this addiction has spun out of control, I find myself doing it ALL the time, no matter what I'm doing I'm doing this! My addiction is playing solitaire on my phone, a lame addiction, but that's mine! Sometimes when I'm playing and there are two of the same card and I have to choose between which one to move, do I take the one on the smaller pile to make some room for a King down there or do I take the one off the big pile to make it smaller? I have found that this game is alot like my life, do I figure out the small problems first to make them go away, or do I try to pick away at my large problems to make it more even instead of letting them all build up in one big mass? As I thought about how I solve problems I figured out that I don't really solve them, I tend to push them off to the side and ignore them, sometimes I feel as if they don't really matter when in reality they do matter. If my life was really like solitaire I would be able to hit the undo button whenever and as many times as I would like, but since life is not a game, I can't! I have always stood by the motto of not regretting anything, it has made me who I am today...but really don't we all have a little regret lying around? As I think of some of the things I could regret, there is actually alot of times where I would like to hit that undo button a few times and try again. I know that if I had done anything differently in my life that I might not be where I am today, with the husband, and two wonderful girls that I have...so I try not to dwell on the past, but on the future that I have with my family and make decisions right the first time so I don't have to try to push that undo button later on.

What's now?

Some days I have no problem thinking of things to say, really saying what's on my heart and mind, but days like today I don't know if I have much to say! I was going to share my testimony with those of you who read this, but I think that it might be a bit too honest and most people aren't ready for what my past has to say!
Last night I was writing my husband wishing so bad that I could talk to him, and I wrote him that. I went up to bed to watch some TV and the phone rang, uhh I was so excited it was him. I got to tell him all about our past couple days and the fun things the girls were doing, and about the video I had sent him hoping he was going to be able to watch it! I could still hear a sadness in the back of his voice, as I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, absolutely nothing...I won't push it, I let it go knowing that there is still a longing for him to be home, and my longing to have him home! As he told me he had been moving around quite a bit for some more classes, but still can't answer the question of when he will be going where he is going, he told me in high hopes "I think where we are going might be better than what they told us, we might actually have a phone." How can he be all the way over there away from us and still have such a positive hopeful attitude? I am constantly learning new things about my husband, he amazes me everyday! He encourages me when I am down, and he is strong when I am not...he is the one that is gone, why can't I be more like him? Why can't I be strong and encouraging even through this hard time? Am I that selfish to where I can't even get out of this funk, but my husband is serving our country in a foreign place can be positive, encouraging, and strong...is this normal for a wife to feel this way? Who knows, but it's how I feel!!

Another gloomy day!

When I woke up this morning to the sound of my sweet girls voice, I looked outside in hopes of another sunny fall day, but no it's dark gloomy and rainy. Not what I need to make my days go by faster or make them seem a bit happier. I have always seen myself as an honest, caring person, and my take on this blog would be full honesty...I can't be honest with other people till I stop lying to myself. I say that I'm doing ok, and although I might be, and people probably see that I am doing ok from the outside, my heart aches, I long to see my husband and feel his touch again, and my life has spun so quickly out of control, I don't know what to do. Control is something we would all like to have, whether it's controlling the way our day to day life is, controlling other people around us, or controlling how our children act...when in face we can't control a darn thing, not even our children, we might be able to discipline in hopes that they will act right, but they will do their own thing. I feel at this point that I can't even control myself, which I know might sound weird, we can all control ourselves, but I can't control the thoughts that have been racing through my mind, the emotions, the tears, I certainly can't control if my face breaks out from the stress (which I wish I could control the most). I have found one thing in my life and about me that I can control, it is me vs. the scale, I can kind of understand the thoughts of someone with an eating disorder, it's actually really easy to not eat and be ok with it. I have been a person to always love the taste of food, but when my husband is gone I don't want anything, and it gets easier as the days go by to just not be hungry. I have promised myself when he gets home I will have lost 11 pounds, a goal weight of... I can't say, people will judge and although I don't care what people think, I don't want to hear the wraths! How I feel is that when my life spins out of control I need one thing I can keep under control and to know that I am completely in charge of that and it can't do anything without me saying so. I know that life is not about controlling it, it's about giving it all to the Lord and letting Him deal with it, but when someones life turns upside down, and the desperation, anxiety, stress, loneliness, and all these things combine it's hard to fully put every little bit of yourself that you have left and just give it to the Lord. I know that this is a good thing...getting everything I have to say out there and being able to be free of some of the weight that is so heavy on my body, but I also know that there are those people out there who will judge me for not being the perfect wife, mother and the perfect Christian, although everyone knows there is no one that is perfect, some people most certainly thing that the Christian part of their life is perfect, but always has room to grow! It doesn't hurt me for people to tell me to trust in Christ that He is the one that I should be longing for, but those people probably haven't had their true love gone out of your life within a matter of seconds. I grew up in a Christian family, church going, good family, but that doesn't mean that I still don't screw up or get off track or start to fall of the wagon at times. Actually I fall off the wagon quite a bit then I get run over about a 1,000 times before I can see what happened...that is where I am at in my life right now, I have fallen off the wagon, doubt, fear, depression has all come over me in a way that I have never experienced before. One of the last things my husband said to me before he left was, "If I were to die, I want you to remarry. Make sure it's someone who will take good care of the girls and love them as if they were his own." Umm...talk about putting something in my head I can't handle...I didn't want to think of death being a possibility, but I knew it was. I have a hard time managing all the thoughts in my head, and that has been one that won't go to the back so I can forget it, I don't want to think of death being an option, but the fear is so strong that I can't think of anything but that. Is there something wrong with me? Is the what if's game normal? Or would I rather's game normal? What is normal to me and you are probably two different things, but my life right now is nowhere near normal, but I know one day it will be.

It's A Sunny Day!

For the first time in a week, I have woken up not quite rested but not in a depressed gloomy state of mind. I always thought I slept terribly sharing the bed with my husband, him taking the covers and hogging the bed all night, but really I sleep horribly when he is not here...waking up every couple hours throughout the night checking the time, just waiting for the girls to get up. Everytime he leaves whether it's training for a couple weeks or now, my body just doesn't know how to react, I start bruising easily (which I never have bruises) in the most random spots, my bones ache, and I have absolutely no energy. Is this depression? Is it loneliness? What is it? I haven't quite been able to figure it out yet. I actually had a good day yesterday, I got both cars washed, even though it was a bit sad because that was something we did together as a team, but it was refreshing to put the girls in the garage and get outside for a bit! I had a sweet friend bring over pizza and wine and we swapped stories about the things we are going through, about our girls, and about life in general. Then all of a sudden, in the midst of me saying I don't think my girls will ever walk, Jaelyn took four steps and fell into my arms...we couldn't believe it, we screamed out of excitement and tried to get her to do it again so we could record it for "dada". I was so excited to right it in his letter, but knowing that he wouldn't get it for another couple weeks, I was kind of bummed...as my sweet friend was leaving Will called, ugh I have not been so excited to hear his voice and tell him of the good time I had that day, and what Jaelyn had done! We got to talk for about 30 minutes which is our longest so far, he was so excited to hear that Jaelyn had taken some steps, but I could hear it in his voice how sad he was that he missed it.
Sometimes I wonder what if I hadn't chose this life, to marry into the military? Would I still be in Denton wondering what am I going to do with my life? Would I still be working in a salon, barely making it by? What would I be doing? I think about if we hadn't gotten married, would I have met any of these sweet, encouraging friends that we all share such a close bond with...probably not! If we hadn't looked for an apartment in Oct. 2008 and just chose the first one we saw (we were desperate) then I wouldn't have met Kristin, the sweetest person ever, then she wouldn't have introduced me to Trina, a spunky honest sweetheart who can make anyone laugh. I wouldn't have met India who at the time was pregnant and going to deliver her baby without her hubby there, she is a genuine friend who is kind to everyone. If my husband didn't work in the unit that he used to would I have met Bam, an australian with the kindest heart who always has something positive to say (even when her husband is gone), would I have met Pablo who has been like family to me and our sweet girls. I wouldn't have met Ashley (who is no longer in...lucky), we did everything together, we would stay for weeks on end together while our husbands were away training and we would so enjoy every minute we had together, she made all those trainings like it was nothing, we had a blast. We moved out of our old apartments and onto base December of 2009, we were trying to get new housing, but settled for an ocean view 3 bedroom nice house, if we hadn't I probably never would have met my direct next door neighbor Victoria, a loving and caring friend. Then if my husband hadn't gone to school to change to a JTAC and switched units I would never have met his friends wife Sara, who also delievered her first without her hubby, and is pregnant again and will deliver without him again, she is who I am going through it with, we cried together, we laughed together, we have tried to encourage each other as best as we can. All these friends I have around me are amazing, and I can't imagine my life or the girls life without them. We have all become a family no matter how different we all are, we all go through the same things and we relate to one another. I know that friends or family can never replace that spot in your heart for your true love, but they can make that space a little smaller so it's not such a huge hole. Thank you to all my sweet friends who have all gone through this at some point or another...I love you, you are the only way I would make it through this 7 months!

Just Another Day!

It's just another lonely day in this big house! I have come to the conclusion that I don't think it will feel like home until he is back and we are a family again. I have recently found myself so attached to my phone that if I don't have pockets I will stuff it wherever I can to make sure it is on me at ALL times. I have never been one to need my cell phone, used to if I forgot it at home when I was going to the mall, I didn't really care what would I need it for anyways? I went to the Homegoods store the other day and as I was getting the girls out of the car and into their stroller I thought I heard something, and of course it was my phone, I barely made it to it (I needed to buckle the girls in first), and thank gosh I made it, it was Will. I have noticed that people text me or call me and unless it's Will, I don't really have the energy or care to answer...is that wrong? I have always been one to answer people back as soon as I get it or as soon as I can, but now I have all these people wanting to hang out and wanting to see how I am doing, but I am too selfish in my own life to respond back! I feel as though I have crawled into a dark hole and there is no way out, I can't see where anything is, and maybe I don't want out, maybe when time gets closer for him to come home I will start to see the light again and start to dig my way out. I realized the other day how desperate I am to be back with my best friend and my love, I didn't realize it as I was doing it, but I found that I had dug through his dirty clothes and found a sweatshirt that I knew he had worn just recently and was sweating in it, I found myself smelling it, just to remember what he smells like, or scrambling to pick up the girls to show them a picture of "dada" but really it's for me to remember his face, or read a book that he recorded for the girls, I read it just to remember his voice! As I have finally reached a week, I keep thinking someone is playing a terrible trick on me, it's like I can't wake up from this terrible nightmare...I hear a noise and I wonder if it's him opening the garage, I hear a motorcycle and I wonder if that's him coming home, I get a text message and that must be him telling me he is on his way home from work. BUT IT'S NOT! If I didn't have the girls, I would sleep this next 7 months away, that's all I would do...but seeming that I have to take care of them, I try to figure some ways to get out and about at night, just to make the days go by faster. I hate to say that I am wishing away the next 7 months, because I hate to lose the precious time that we all wish could slow down for our children, but I need my husband here, I need him to tell me everything is ok, I will watch the girls today while you go out and get your nails done...I need him and more than I ever could have imagined!

....

I was so suprised to see how well people responded to this blog...it was encouraging! Some people might think that I am burdening my husband by letting my emotions out there, I am stressing him out by me stressing, well just so you all know, he doesn't know how I am feeling or the hard time that I am having! With his job he needs a clear mind and not be thinking of home or if I am ok, or how the girls are doing. I write him everynight telling him the things I did that day, but I leave out the tears that were shed...I don't want to be a distraction to him, so I will be a distraction to other people, you will hear that I have good days and I have bad days, there will be ups and there will be downs! My husband left one week ago tonight...I feel like if I could go back and do it all over again, would I make sure we had everything picked up and everything delt with before he left or would I just want to sit on the couch in his arms playing with the girls, not worrying a bit about that prescription I need to pick up so I don't have to sit at the hospital for hours on end with the girls alone! It's funny how mean or angry we can get with the ones we love and are closest to, but the second they leave we wish we could take back all of those things we said or did...when he comes home will it be different? Will I not be mean, or say mean things just to be hurtful? Will I feel differently because of all the time we have lost together? I have never been an emotional person, ya there has been a time here or there that I have been angry or hurt, but never a crier (other than the day I left my girls at the hospital, only a tear or two)...but one week ago today it started, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as he called his family one last time to say goodbye, as he packed his things, as he got his motorcycle ready for 7 months alone. Then the time came for us to leave (1 a.m.), we packed up the girls and we headed to were he needed to be...we sat around till about 5 am and then they started telling us we needed to move our cars so the buses could load up all of their stuff, I didn't want to be trapped in the back of a pile of cars and not be able to get out knowing that the girls needed to get home and get some rest! As we started to say goodbye I went from my husband never seeing me cry, a non emotional person, to absolutely losing it, in a matter of seconds! I told him I can't do it as he told me I can, as tears started to well up in his eyes knowing this would be the last kiss for me and the girls for the next 7 months, it made me cry harder and I couldn't handle it anymore! As I drove away the fear started to sink in, the what if's began...What if I just left him there and I never see him again? What if I didn't hear from him for who knows how long? They kept coming and coming...the fear of the unknown was too much for me to handle! I have heard from him a couple times since he left, they are still doing classes so he has been able to call twice, as he asks me how I am doing I hold back the tears and the trembling voice as I tell him all is good, everything is great! I don't want him to know the fear that I have in my heart and that life as I know it is so different and so hard without him...I tell him I have a routine now when really my routine is worrying! I am sure everyone has heard the saying that the wives have the hardest job in the military...that's absolutely not true....we just have the worst job! Our husbands go off to fight a war, leave their families and what they know to no showers, bad connections, mre's, sweat, sand, no ice....they have the hard job. This almost week now, has been cloudy and rainy almost everyday, today is a beautiful sunny crisp cool day out...I thought that the cloudy rainy ones would be the hardest and as it turns out they were, but today I sit here thinking if he was home, we would be out having fun, taking the girls to the park or taking a walk...not sitting inside wallowing in self pity and wondering what I am going to do ALL day! I find myself wandering around this house as if I don't know where things are, who's house is this? A lost little puppy dog not knowing how to get home, just plain LOST! I think about other wives and what they do, do we all think the same? In the absence of family, they would be my family, in the absence of my mate, they would become my soul's support. But more than anything other wives are fellow travelers who understand, where so many other people simply can't. The relationship between military wives is a sisterhood, we need each other. I have come to see how much love and support I have around me, from other wives who have been through it, to the ones who are going through it with me!

Lonely Day

I am starting this blog to be honest, to put into words how I am feeling day to day! I have never done something like this before, but I also have never gone through what I am going through either!
I thought I was doing ok, that life was starting to get it's routine, but much to my dismay I'm not doing ok, and life might have a routine, but it's not the routine I want. I have tried to make it better, by hanging out with friends, by writing my husband every night after the girls go to bed, by thinking of things that I enjoy (having the bed to myself, not picking up his dirty clothes, not cleaning the sink every morning), but I have come to realize that I actually like sharing the bed, and I don't mind picking up clothes, or even having a dirty sink! I have tried to remember bad times, something that hurt me or mad me mad, something I could use to make me angry...maybe that would make missing him better, or maybe it would make me not miss him at all. I can't get angry when I know he is doing something for our country, for me, for our daughters, for you and your families too! I often wonder, who signs up for this, why did I choose this, why would anyone? We all know what we are signing up for whether it's our husbands who signed up for the military or if it's us who sign up to be by there side when they go off to war, but that doesn't make life any easier! I am not good at being mommy, daddy, housewife, light bulb changer, smoke detector beater, trash taker outer, car washer (x's 2), bill payer, grocery shopper, errand runner, or hold the fort down person! I am really terrible at all these things actually, if I could I would let the trash pile up, there would be no dishes or laundry, we wouldn't have lights in the house, and the cars would go 7 months with no washing! I know I have to stay strong for my girls, for my husband, but who can really do that when your love, soul mate, best friend, is on the other side of the world and not much of a way to communicate? People say distance makes the heart grow fonder, psh...it has made my heart break into a million tiny pieces that who knows will ever be repaired...maybe I will feel differently when he comes home, but at this moment, I don't know that I can do it! I am lonely, and heartbroken, and it has not even been a week, I can't imagine a month, 3 months, or 5 months! I know people will have their thoughts about this, but I don't really care what people think, this is my life and what I am going through...this is what other military wives go through, but maybe not be able to put it into words. Maybe I am the only one who feels angry, hurt, lonely, sad, happy, or whatever, but I'm sure there is someone else out there who might just not be able to express their emotions like I haven't been able to until now! People give me Bible verses and prayer, and as much as I thank you all for doing that, my heart and my mind are in two different places right now, my mind knows that I need to trust in Lord, He is protector of all...but my heart says nobody can make this better, my heart won't be whole again until my hubby is back, and the worry won't stop until he is in my arms!